Almost 2 years ago, I wrote this note to myself. Never published it because I thought and felt it very personal for me. But now I am posting it because I just want to let the whole world know that God has answered my prayer, that is the last line of this note.
I almost forgot about the person I was referring to here, maybe because as the days went by, my connection to this person proved to be just maybe a mere infatuation. In the end, the strong feelings subsided and gradually I began to just regard him as a simple friend. I was not anymore wishing that this friendship be deepened. As months passed by, I am just happy that I have overcome my uneasiness around him.
It is just surprising that lately, this person has done little things for me. We are not that close, and that is why I am beginning to wonder what is the meaning of all these? I couldn't help then to reconsider him again. I couldn't contain my utter gratefulness to God for somehow, still answering my simple wish before, for me to become an important part of this person's life. I said before even if things were different, I would still not wish for him because I regard him as someone unreachable for me, someone who I just want to put high on a pedestal, I have that inner sense that I am not worthy of him. And yet these past few weeks, and months, this person has tried to reach out to me. This person has been my saving glory, my knight in shining armour. At a time when I am down and just feeling low, this person will somehow make me feel special, make me feel worthy. It would seem that he always does things at the right time. He always takes me by surprise! And even this realization now is a great surprise for me. And because of this, I thank him. and I thank God...He is indeed a God of surprises.
=================================================================
be still my heart part 1, May 16,2008
Last night, for some reason (actually I know the reason but I can't disclose it now), I just couldn't fall asleep. I was restless all night and this lasted until around 1:30 in the morning. I only prayed "be still my heart." It seemed that I could not contain my emotions. I'd like to see him, hear from him. Am i falling? I am not sure. And I don't want to pursue even. Not because it is impossible because nothing is impossible with God but even if things were different I know I could never wish for him. I am just happy where he is now. I just pray that I'd become an important part of his life.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
maghihintay ako
"Maghihintay ako."
Iyan ang pangako ng puso ko sa puso mo.
Gaano man katagal
Ilang taon man ang magdaan
Basta, pagdating mo,
Asahan mo akong sasalubong sa'yo.
Wala ng agam-agam
Buo na ang pasiya ko---
"Maghihintay ako sa iyo."
Iyan ang pangako ng puso ko sa puso mo.
Gaano man katagal
Ilang taon man ang magdaan
Basta, pagdating mo,
Asahan mo akong sasalubong sa'yo.
Wala ng agam-agam
Buo na ang pasiya ko---
"Maghihintay ako sa iyo."
Monday, April 5, 2010
Discovering the Island of Culion
When I volunteered to help out in a retreat to be held in Culion, it was only because I wanted to see the beauty of the place which I originally discovered through a friend’s photos of the Island during his stay. I did not know that it was once a Leper Colony. I know that a place exists but I did not connect the two. For me, I wanted to go because I wanted to experience first hand and see with my eyes if truly the beauty I saw on the photos is real.
It was my first time, after a long time, to spend holy week outside of my sacred space in Sacred Heart Novitiate. I had separation anxieties prior to the trip, I had second thoughts of going. But off I went. Excited of what God has in store for me on this trip. The grace I asked before I went was the grace to rediscover HIM anew.
On our way to the Island, still far from reaching the shores of Culion, someone pointed to the large Eagle image set on the landscape of Culion Island.
I learned that this huge stone formation was made by the patients themselves as a great symbol of gratitude to the medical community who has helped them all these years and found cure for their disease. On top of this Eagle is a big statue of Jesus with his hands reaching out, welcoming the people coming to Culion.
On the other side of the island, sharing an equal prominence with “Agila” is the big red structure of the Immaculate Conception Parish of Culion. This was part of the fortress built by the Spaniards in the 16th century to protect it against outside forces.
Adjacent to the Church building and fronting the Culion waters is the lighthouse, which also serves as a view deck where one can marvel at the coastline of Culion Island and the most magnificent sunrise and moonrise one can behold. I’ve spent a lot of times here in the day and in the evening. You can see the serenity and calmness of the sea from up here. Sometimes, you don’t need to think of anything when you look at the sea. It just gives you a relaxing and calming feeling; it feels like your heartbeat is synchronizing itself to the calming rhythm of the waves.
Then there is the sunrise and moonrise, which treat the visitors of Culion to a very special dramatic show that happens daily. And in the evening, the skies is clothed with its vast collection of stars. It gives a great contrast to the blackness of the sea.
There are a lot of ways to appreciate the beauty of Culion. One, as I have mentioned is from the view deck of the light house. The other one is through the “Agila”, a 200+ steps that allows you to view Culion from above. One can also make the stations of the cross, which leads to the top, to the big statue of Jesus. But, the best way for me, would still be “Pulang Lupa.”
Pulang Lupa is a magical place for me. It is a one long stretch of path on top of connecting hills that can serve as a mediation haven. I’ve been here twice. I love the place because it allowed me to live my dream from childhood to walk on top of the hills like Maria in the “Sound of Music.” On top, you can see Culion Island and its surrounding islands. The ambiance up here is so serene. You can only hear the chirping of the birds, the nuances of the forest, sometimes, the passing of a motorboat, but in most cases, the silence is deafening that it calms you. I was in awe one morning that we went here because right before my eyes, I saw the sun rose from the horizon. Truly, truly magical.
Through the beauty of creation, I discovered God anew. And as though these were not enough, God introduced himself to me through the history of Culion.
I learned from the people I encountered that it was only in 1999 that the cure for leprosy was found. Since its establishment in 1902 as a Leper Colony, people diagnosed with leprosy were isolated from the rest of the world and sent here in Culion to live. For so many years, they were treated as outcasts of the society, forgotten, and brought to exile. The streets I walked on, the school, the church--- these sheltered them. They have walked this street, they have prayed in this church, seated on this pew, studied in this school, etc. Their stories were real. They were real. And this island became their sanctuary from the prejudices of the world, from the discrimination of those from the outside.
Their lives were not easy. They were forced to be separated from their loved ones, for some time, they were segregated and could not live normally as social beings. But as time went by, the hearts of these men and women prevailed. In the end, they were able to live normal lives, though may not fully but definitely better than the first time they were sent here.
I was also amazed with the countless people who also willingly devoted their time and energies to the patients. The medical practitioners who continuously strove to find cure for the disease, the volunteers who took care of the patients, the philanthropic institutions who helped fund the needs of the Lepers, the religious nuns and priests who did not just provide for the spiritual needs of the patients but also helped in taking care of them and providing support. Countless names, countless faces. But in the end, their efforts paid off because after a century of trial and error, cure for this disease was discovered and patients began to get well and get healed.
I do not know if the history of the place, the context of this place, could be the reason I find the residents welcoming, humble, simple folks. I am surprised every time a resident will greet me “good morning” when they see me walking in the street. Or how they will extend their assistance to me when I need it, even in small matters. I easily felt at home here. I feel like I belong in this place. It seems like you could trust any one you encounter. Life here is so simple and yet so meaningful and rich.
I cannot really sum up my experience here in Culion in just one paragraph. It is hard to describe something so beautiful especially if you know that even the word beautiful is not enough. This island is special because of its natural wonders, its people, its story. Until now it brings me to chills to just realize that this Island of Culion became a haven for healing, sanctuary for the outcasts. The magic of this place is that. It accepted what the rest of the world rejected. And so, I could not help but relate the Island of Culion to the Kingdom of God. In my theology class, I learned and I taught my students that the Kingdom of God is where justice, peace and compassion reign. Here in Culion, these kingdom values are alive and lived out by the people. Here in Culion, I am convinced God lives. God is present. God reigns.
During my last remaining days in Culion, I made it a point to store up a lot of wonderful memories of the place, wonderful memories of people, wonderful memories of my encounters with God; so that when I go back to the world, I have Culion to serve as fortress for me, a sanctuary for me, a proof for me that hope reigns, love reigns, God reigns.
I left Culion with a heavy heart today. Each step away from its shores was difficult. I am going back to the “real world”, as one retreatant termed it. But for me, Culion Island is as real as the place I am going back to. I just find consolation in the thought that one day, I will sail back again to Culion to experience its warmth, love, and beauty.
It was my first time, after a long time, to spend holy week outside of my sacred space in Sacred Heart Novitiate. I had separation anxieties prior to the trip, I had second thoughts of going. But off I went. Excited of what God has in store for me on this trip. The grace I asked before I went was the grace to rediscover HIM anew.
On our way to the Island, still far from reaching the shores of Culion, someone pointed to the large Eagle image set on the landscape of Culion Island. I learned that this huge stone formation was made by the patients themselves as a great symbol of gratitude to the medical community who has helped them all these years and found cure for their disease. On top of this Eagle is a big statue of Jesus with his hands reaching out, welcoming the people coming to Culion.
On the other side of the island, sharing an equal prominence with “Agila” is the big red structure of the Immaculate Conception Parish of Culion. This was part of the fortress built by the Spaniards in the 16th century to protect it against outside forces.
Adjacent to the Church building and fronting the Culion waters is the lighthouse, which also serves as a view deck where one can marvel at the coastline of Culion Island and the most magnificent sunrise and moonrise one can behold. I’ve spent a lot of times here in the day and in the evening. You can see the serenity and calmness of the sea from up here. Sometimes, you don’t need to think of anything when you look at the sea. It just gives you a relaxing and calming feeling; it feels like your heartbeat is synchronizing itself to the calming rhythm of the waves.
Then there is the sunrise and moonrise, which treat the visitors of Culion to a very special dramatic show that happens daily. And in the evening, the skies is clothed with its vast collection of stars. It gives a great contrast to the blackness of the sea.
There are a lot of ways to appreciate the beauty of Culion. One, as I have mentioned is from the view deck of the light house. The other one is through the “Agila”, a 200+ steps that allows you to view Culion from above. One can also make the stations of the cross, which leads to the top, to the big statue of Jesus. But, the best way for me, would still be “Pulang Lupa.”
Pulang Lupa is a magical place for me. It is a one long stretch of path on top of connecting hills that can serve as a mediation haven. I’ve been here twice. I love the place because it allowed me to live my dream from childhood to walk on top of the hills like Maria in the “Sound of Music.” On top, you can see Culion Island and its surrounding islands. The ambiance up here is so serene. You can only hear the chirping of the birds, the nuances of the forest, sometimes, the passing of a motorboat, but in most cases, the silence is deafening that it calms you. I was in awe one morning that we went here because right before my eyes, I saw the sun rose from the horizon. Truly, truly magical.Through the beauty of creation, I discovered God anew. And as though these were not enough, God introduced himself to me through the history of Culion.
I learned from the people I encountered that it was only in 1999 that the cure for leprosy was found. Since its establishment in 1902 as a Leper Colony, people diagnosed with leprosy were isolated from the rest of the world and sent here in Culion to live. For so many years, they were treated as outcasts of the society, forgotten, and brought to exile. The streets I walked on, the school, the church--- these sheltered them. They have walked this street, they have prayed in this church, seated on this pew, studied in this school, etc. Their stories were real. They were real. And this island became their sanctuary from the prejudices of the world, from the discrimination of those from the outside.
Their lives were not easy. They were forced to be separated from their loved ones, for some time, they were segregated and could not live normally as social beings. But as time went by, the hearts of these men and women prevailed. In the end, they were able to live normal lives, though may not fully but definitely better than the first time they were sent here.
I was also amazed with the countless people who also willingly devoted their time and energies to the patients. The medical practitioners who continuously strove to find cure for the disease, the volunteers who took care of the patients, the philanthropic institutions who helped fund the needs of the Lepers, the religious nuns and priests who did not just provide for the spiritual needs of the patients but also helped in taking care of them and providing support. Countless names, countless faces. But in the end, their efforts paid off because after a century of trial and error, cure for this disease was discovered and patients began to get well and get healed.
I do not know if the history of the place, the context of this place, could be the reason I find the residents welcoming, humble, simple folks. I am surprised every time a resident will greet me “good morning” when they see me walking in the street. Or how they will extend their assistance to me when I need it, even in small matters. I easily felt at home here. I feel like I belong in this place. It seems like you could trust any one you encounter. Life here is so simple and yet so meaningful and rich.
I cannot really sum up my experience here in Culion in just one paragraph. It is hard to describe something so beautiful especially if you know that even the word beautiful is not enough. This island is special because of its natural wonders, its people, its story. Until now it brings me to chills to just realize that this Island of Culion became a haven for healing, sanctuary for the outcasts. The magic of this place is that. It accepted what the rest of the world rejected. And so, I could not help but relate the Island of Culion to the Kingdom of God. In my theology class, I learned and I taught my students that the Kingdom of God is where justice, peace and compassion reign. Here in Culion, these kingdom values are alive and lived out by the people. Here in Culion, I am convinced God lives. God is present. God reigns.
During my last remaining days in Culion, I made it a point to store up a lot of wonderful memories of the place, wonderful memories of people, wonderful memories of my encounters with God; so that when I go back to the world, I have Culion to serve as fortress for me, a sanctuary for me, a proof for me that hope reigns, love reigns, God reigns.
I left Culion with a heavy heart today. Each step away from its shores was difficult. I am going back to the “real world”, as one retreatant termed it. But for me, Culion Island is as real as the place I am going back to. I just find consolation in the thought that one day, I will sail back again to Culion to experience its warmth, love, and beauty.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
The need to be with someone is no longer there. On my own, I am already complete, i already feel fulfilled. I realized that it is all God's work. He alone made me complete, help me feel content and fulfilled. I am convinced that His love is already enough, is sufficient for me.
The need to be with someone is no longer there...but the desire to share my life with someone is another matter. That, I feel is growing stronger. The NEED now becomes a DESIRE, which sees it more as a gift rather than a requirement. From demanding God that this need be met, it recognizes that now it depends on the gracious act of God that this desire be fulfilled.
The need to be with someone is no longer there...but the desire to share my life with someone is another matter. That, I feel is growing stronger. The NEED now becomes a DESIRE, which sees it more as a gift rather than a requirement. From demanding God that this need be met, it recognizes that now it depends on the gracious act of God that this desire be fulfilled.
Monday, March 1, 2010
malayang mangingibig
Unti unti na siyang kumakawala sa aking mga yakap
at ang aming mga kamay na dati'y kay higpit na magkahawak,
ngayo'y malapit nang tuluyang magbitaw.
Wala na ang tamis sa kanyang mga ngiti.
Bihira ko na rin marinig ang awit ng pag-ibig
na noo'y madalas niyang imutawi.
Hindi ko na maramdaman ang init.
Tuluyan na nga siyang lumalayo,
dahan-dahan nang naglalaho.
Hindi na niya ko maririnig pa
anuman lakas ng pagtawag ko sa kanya.
Kaya't hahayaan ko na lang siya.
Palalayain ko na.
Sapaka't ako'y nagmamahal,
handa na akong magpaubaya.
Sige na, malaya ka na.
Tahakin mo ang daang sa tingin mo
ay lubos kang liligaya.
at ang aming mga kamay na dati'y kay higpit na magkahawak,
ngayo'y malapit nang tuluyang magbitaw.
Wala na ang tamis sa kanyang mga ngiti.
Bihira ko na rin marinig ang awit ng pag-ibig
na noo'y madalas niyang imutawi.
Hindi ko na maramdaman ang init.
Tuluyan na nga siyang lumalayo,
dahan-dahan nang naglalaho.
Hindi na niya ko maririnig pa
anuman lakas ng pagtawag ko sa kanya.
Kaya't hahayaan ko na lang siya.
Palalayain ko na.
Sapaka't ako'y nagmamahal,
handa na akong magpaubaya.
Sige na, malaya ka na.
Tahakin mo ang daang sa tingin mo
ay lubos kang liligaya.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
I have the power to recreate my life each day
This week is a blessing to me. It all started with the conviction that I want to make good use of my time while I am at home and am waiting to land a new job. As I mentioned last time, I am down to my last hundreds. To-date, I only have about P140 in my wallet and few coins and yet I am having an incredible week. I realize money isn't everything, one just needs to be creative. Last Tuesday, I went to an interview and only spent P40 for fare (back and forth). It was a first after a very long time since I seldom ride jeeps anymore especially since riding cabs is more convenient and more comfortable. And yet, the experience was worth it. It allowed me to be more mindful of a bigger world than me. That night, my colleagues from my previous work came to have dinner. They were the ones who brought dinner though. The next day, I just spent the first part of the day "productively" by going through and sending through my CV to all potential employers I would like to work for. Now, it is a matter of waiting for their call. In the afternoon, I decided to go to mass to make the rest of my time worthwhile. I also decided to walk to Church as I seldom go out anymore and hence, lack physical exercise. Walking was a treat for me because I was greeted by the beauty of the sun setting down. To my awe, I took a shot of the sunset. After the mass, I spent quality time at the Blessed Sacrament and was able to talk to Jesus again. These words remain in me after that conversation:Love is patient. Love is kind. Love rejoices in the truth. Rejoice, celebrate your truth, your beauty. Claim your truth. Love never fails. He also promised me that he'd take care of my financial concerns and that I need not worry about it, particularly the one that is due already this Friday.
Today, I decided that the grace I would ask God is to make each day magical for me. I realize then that I want to make each day different. To do something different each day. So today, I went out early, walked to the baking supplies store and then eventually go to the grocery to buy ingredients for my brownies. I want to try to bake brownies today. I was excited to start on this as I've been craving for a certain brownie taste since last week. After it was done, I was glad that the recipe I downloaded was the exact brownie taste I want. I was a bit disappointed though because it did not have the texture I want. I googled later on that I should have used chocolate instead of cocoa. Again, in the afternoon, I decided to hear mass. I start to love walking to Church. I spent a few minutes in the Blessed Sacrament and then went to hear mass. On this particular day, there weren't much mass goers who went compared yesterday. This must be the reason I noticed the people who were present, in particular the old couples. I was just inspired by the sight of the three old couple holding hands as they sang the "Our Father." Silently, I wished I could find someone I would grow old with. It was a beauty to behold that in the midst of the "temporariness" (if there is such a word) of this world, there are still those who decide to stick together through thick or thin, for better or for worse....
Oh and I almost forget, today, God showed that his promise is never empty. The problem I have with the money to fulfill my obligation tomorrow, he took care of that already. The amount I needed is exactly what he gave me. Praise be to God!
Today, I decided that the grace I would ask God is to make each day magical for me. I realize then that I want to make each day different. To do something different each day. So today, I went out early, walked to the baking supplies store and then eventually go to the grocery to buy ingredients for my brownies. I want to try to bake brownies today. I was excited to start on this as I've been craving for a certain brownie taste since last week. After it was done, I was glad that the recipe I downloaded was the exact brownie taste I want. I was a bit disappointed though because it did not have the texture I want. I googled later on that I should have used chocolate instead of cocoa. Again, in the afternoon, I decided to hear mass. I start to love walking to Church. I spent a few minutes in the Blessed Sacrament and then went to hear mass. On this particular day, there weren't much mass goers who went compared yesterday. This must be the reason I noticed the people who were present, in particular the old couples. I was just inspired by the sight of the three old couple holding hands as they sang the "Our Father." Silently, I wished I could find someone I would grow old with. It was a beauty to behold that in the midst of the "temporariness" (if there is such a word) of this world, there are still those who decide to stick together through thick or thin, for better or for worse....
Oh and I almost forget, today, God showed that his promise is never empty. The problem I have with the money to fulfill my obligation tomorrow, he took care of that already. The amount I needed is exactly what he gave me. Praise be to God!
Monday, February 1, 2010
I'm down to my last hundred/s
I just paid my bills today. It has been two weeks since I resigned from my job. It wasn't really a difficult decision for me since I've been struggling to go to work every single day. No regrets. But now reality is slowly biting on me. I am down to my last hundred/s. So how can I survive the next few days with only P300 in my wallet? I am still looking for a job. I have a scheduled interview tomorrow. Gone were the days that I can take a cab to go to my interviews. This time, I have to be creative, I need to stretch my money! So I guess I have to learn to take the jeepneys again and walk! :) I am not yet panicking. No, because I am still expecting income from working part time with my previous employer (thank God for that opportunity). Although whatever I will earn here will not be enough to cover my monthly obligation, every single peso will still help augment my situation right now. So pasalamat na rin. Ayoko muna problemahin ang hindi pa problema :) Sabi ko nga, "bahala na si batman!" I'm keeping the faith that God knows my needs and he will provide.
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