Almost 6 years after

 

 

I wrote this on my Journal last August 11,2004. It was a Wednesday: I was only 26 then. He was 31.  Now, 6 years later, I am about to turn 33, and he, 40.

Our story is not the typical ex-lovers who after years of being estranged, were reunited back together.  Ours was different because in the first place, we never really missed out on each other's lives. Even after our break up that year, we still managed not to be estranged with each other at all.  We kept that special relationship intact all these years. We did not break the communication. We remained good friends.  For six years we kept tabs on each other's personal lives, personal affairs.  I knew who and when he was dating, he knew who I was with and whom I was fond of. We were open to each other that we still do care for each other, that there is still that special fondness but we never tried anymore to give each other chance. Both of us knew we had to move on, to find our happiness with another person.  And we were ok with it for the past 6 years.

In the last two years, we were both in our respective serious relationships.  I was about to settle down with someone, he was about to propose to his girlfriend.  We were both happy for each other.  But by some twist of fate, my boyfriend and I broke up, and I was alone.  He was there to console me and give me some words of consolation.  And I appreciated that about him.  I envied him because it would seem he has already found the person he would spend the rest of his life with (at that time he was very much in love with his girlfriend and he confided that he had plans of proposing to her November 2009.)  I can only be happy for him.

In the months that would follow my break-up, I unexpectedly fell for someone.  He knew about it and he suggested ways on how to catch that person's attention.  We were just happy comparing notes.  Catching up on each other's lives and wishing each other success in our respective personal lives.  Then December came, in passing I asked if he has already proposed to his girlfriend and  he said that they have already broken up. That was the end of it.  I couldn't exactly describe how I felt when I learned about it.  I guess I was half-glad and half-confused to know it.  I was too scared to probe on what I truly feel because at that time I still have to settle my feelings for another person.  But I was just glad that he was single again.  And I am too.  This time, after 6 years, we are both available.  I am just consoled with this fact.  But that's just about it.  I have no intention  to explore a second chance with him...but I guess opportunity has a way of presenting itself.  Last June, opportunity knocked on our doors.  One simple question led to an unexpected response.  What I thought before as a lost cause, a long shot possibility, proved to be another shot on fulfilling a long hoped-for dream, another chance on love.

The story is not yet over.  It might not end the way I hope it would. But the fact is, fate gave us a second chance; and this is enough for me to continue to hope.  I am posting this journal because I want to remember.  I want to be reminded of that day: hope has no time limit, it knows no bounds.  So I continue to hope from this day forward that one day, in God's time and with God's will, he will fulfill my desire.

The last line of this journal was, "My prayers and hope is still, that one day, I'd find Tony at the end of this journey."  And I can't help but smile because if I think about it, he was with me in my journey all along. He never really left my side or abandoned me.  He was here all this time. I just hope he sticks around until the end.

A prayer answered

 Almost 2 years ago, I wrote this note to myself. Never published it because I thought and felt it very personal for me.  But now I am posting it because I just want to let the whole world know that God has answered my prayer, that is the last line of this note.

I almost forgot about the person I was referring to here, maybe because as the days went by, my connection to this person proved to be just maybe a mere infatuation.  In the end, the strong feelings subsided and gradually I began to just regard him as a simple friend.  I was not anymore wishing that this friendship be deepened. As months passed by, I am just happy that I have overcome my uneasiness around him.

It is just surprising that lately, this person has done little things for me.  We are not that close, and that is why I am beginning to wonder what is the meaning of all these? I couldn't help then to reconsider him again. I couldn't contain my utter gratefulness to God for somehow, still answering my simple wish before, for me to become an important part of this person's life.  I said before even if things were different, I would still not wish for him because I regard him as someone unreachable for me, someone who I just want to put high on a pedestal, I have that inner sense that I am not worthy of him. And yet these past few weeks, and months, this person has tried to reach out to me.  This person has been my saving glory, my knight in shining armour. At a time when I am down and just feeling low, this person will somehow make me feel special, make me feel worthy. It would seem that he always does things at the right time.  He always takes me by surprise! And even this realization now is a great surprise for me.  And because of this, I thank him. and I thank God...He is indeed a God of surprises.

=================================================================

be still my heart part 1, May 16,2008
Last night, for some reason (actually I know the reason but I can't disclose it now), I just couldn't fall asleep.  I was restless all night and this lasted until around 1:30 in the morning. I only prayed "be still my heart."  It seemed that I could not contain my emotions.  I'd like to see him, hear from him.  Am i falling? I am not sure. And I don't want to pursue even.  Not because it is impossible because nothing is impossible with God but even if things were different I know I could never wish for him.  I am just happy where he is now.  I just pray that I'd become an important part of his life. 

maghihintay ako

"Maghihintay ako."
Iyan ang pangako ng puso ko sa puso mo.

Gaano man katagal
Ilang taon man ang magdaan
Basta, pagdating mo,
Asahan mo akong sasalubong sa'yo.

Wala ng agam-agam
Buo na ang pasiya ko---
"Maghihintay ako sa iyo."

Discovering the Island of Culion

When I volunteered to help out in a retreat to be held in Culion, it was only because I wanted to see the beauty of the place which I originally discovered through a friend’s photos of the Island during his stay. I did not know that it was once a Leper Colony. I know that a place exists but I did not connect the two. For me, I wanted to go because I wanted to experience first hand and see with my eyes if truly the beauty I saw on the photos is real.

It was my first time, after a long time, to spend holy week outside of my sacred space in Sacred Heart Novitiate. I had separation anxieties prior to the trip, I had second thoughts of going. But off I went. Excited of what God has in store for me on this trip. The grace I asked before I went was the grace to rediscover HIM anew.

On our way to the Island, still far from reaching the shores of Culion, someone pointed to the large Eagle image set on the landscape of Culion Island.
I learned that this huge stone formation was made by the patients themselves as a great symbol of gratitude to the medical community who has helped them all these years and found cure for their disease. On top of this Eagle is a big statue of Jesus with his hands reaching out, welcoming the people coming to Culion.

On the other side of the island, sharing an equal prominence with “Agila” is the big red structure of the Immaculate Conception Parish of Culion. This was part of the fortress built by the Spaniards in the 16th century to protect it against outside forces.

Adjacent to the Church building and fronting the Culion waters is the lighthouse, which also serves as a view deck where one can marvel at the coastline of Culion Island and the most magnificent sunrise and moonrise one can behold. I’ve spent a lot of times here in the day and in the evening. You can see the serenity and calmness of the sea from up here. Sometimes, you don’t need to think of anything when you look at the sea. It just gives you a relaxing and calming feeling; it feels like your heartbeat is synchronizing itself to the calming rhythm of the waves.

Then there is the sunrise and moonrise, which treat the visitors of Culion to a very special dramatic show that happens daily. And in the evening, the skies is clothed with its vast collection of stars. It gives a great contrast to the blackness of the sea.






There are a lot of ways to appreciate the beauty of Culion. One, as I have mentioned is from the view deck of the light house. The other one is through the “Agila”, a 200+ steps that allows you to view Culion from above. One can also make the stations of the cross, which leads to the top, to the big statue of Jesus. But, the best way for me, would still be “Pulang Lupa.”


Pulang Lupa is a magical place for me. It is a one long stretch of path on top of connecting hills that can serve as a mediation haven. I’ve been here twice. I love the place because it allowed me to live my dream from childhood to walk on top of the hills like Maria in the “Sound of Music.” On top, you can see Culion Island and its surrounding islands. The ambiance up here is so serene. You can only hear the chirping of the birds, the nuances of the forest, sometimes, the passing of a motorboat, but in most cases, the silence is deafening that it calms you. I was in awe one morning that we went here because right before my eyes, I saw the sun rose from the horizon. Truly, truly magical.


Through the beauty of creation, I discovered God anew. And as though these were not enough, God introduced himself to me through the history of Culion.

I learned from the people I encountered that it was only in 1999 that the cure for leprosy was found. Since its establishment in 1902 as a Leper Colony, people diagnosed with leprosy were isolated from the rest of the world and sent here in Culion to live. For so many years, they were treated as outcasts of the society, forgotten, and brought to exile. The streets I walked on, the school, the church--- these sheltered them. They have walked this street, they have prayed in this church, seated on this pew, studied in this school, etc. Their stories were real. They were real. And this island became their sanctuary from the prejudices of the world, from the discrimination of those from the outside.

Their lives were not easy. They were forced to be separated from their loved ones, for some time, they were segregated and could not live normally as social beings. But as time went by, the hearts of these men and women prevailed. In the end, they were able to live normal lives, though may not fully but definitely better than the first time they were sent here.

I was also amazed with the countless people who also willingly devoted their time and energies to the patients. The medical practitioners who continuously strove to find cure for the disease, the volunteers who took care of the patients, the philanthropic institutions who helped fund the needs of the Lepers, the religious nuns and priests who did not just provide for the spiritual needs of the patients but also helped in taking care of them and providing support. Countless names, countless faces. But in the end, their efforts paid off because after a century of trial and error, cure for this disease was discovered and patients began to get well and get healed.

I do not know if the history of the place, the context of this place, could be the reason I find the residents welcoming, humble, simple folks. I am surprised every time a resident will greet me “good morning” when they see me walking in the street. Or how they will extend their assistance to me when I need it, even in small matters. I easily felt at home here. I feel like I belong in this place. It seems like you could trust any one you encounter. Life here is so simple and yet so meaningful and rich.

I cannot really sum up my experience here in Culion in just one paragraph. It is hard to describe something so beautiful especially if you know that even the word beautiful is not enough. This island is special because of its natural wonders, its people, its story. Until now it brings me to chills to just realize that this Island of Culion became a haven for healing, sanctuary for the outcasts. The magic of this place is that. It accepted what the rest of the world rejected. And so, I could not help but relate the Island of Culion to the Kingdom of God. In my theology class, I learned and I taught my students that the Kingdom of God is where justice, peace and compassion reign. Here in Culion, these kingdom values are alive and lived out by the people. Here in Culion, I am convinced God lives. God is present. God reigns.

During my last remaining days in Culion, I made it a point to store up a lot of wonderful memories of the place, wonderful memories of people, wonderful memories of my encounters with God; so that when I go back to the world, I have Culion to serve as fortress for me, a sanctuary for me, a proof for me that hope reigns, love reigns, God reigns.

I left Culion with a heavy heart today. Each step away from its shores was difficult. I am going back to the “real world”, as one retreatant termed it. But for me, Culion Island is as real as the place I am going back to. I just find consolation in the thought that one day, I will sail back again to Culion to experience its warmth, love, and beauty.

The need to be with someone is no longer there. On my own, I am already complete, i already feel fulfilled. I realized that it is all God's work. He alone made me complete, help me feel content and fulfilled. I am convinced that His love is already enough, is sufficient for me.

The need to be with someone is no longer there...but the desire to share my life with someone is another matter. That, I feel is growing stronger. The NEED now becomes a DESIRE, which sees it more as a gift rather than a requirement. From demanding God that this need be met, it recognizes that now it depends on the gracious act of God that this desire be fulfilled.

malayang mangingibig

Unti unti na siyang kumakawala sa aking mga yakap
at ang aming mga kamay na dati'y kay higpit na magkahawak,
ngayo'y malapit nang tuluyang magbitaw.

Wala na ang tamis sa kanyang mga ngiti.
Bihira ko na rin marinig ang awit ng pag-ibig
na noo'y madalas niyang imutawi.

Hindi ko na maramdaman ang init.
Tuluyan na nga siyang lumalayo,
dahan-dahan nang naglalaho.

Hindi na niya ko maririnig pa
anuman lakas ng pagtawag ko sa kanya.
Kaya't hahayaan ko na lang siya.
Palalayain ko na.

Sapaka't ako'y nagmamahal,
handa na akong magpaubaya.
Sige na, malaya ka na.

Tahakin mo ang daang sa tingin mo
ay lubos kang liligaya.

I have the power to recreate my life each day

This week is a blessing to me. It all started with the conviction that I want to make good use of my time while I am at home and am waiting to land a new job. As I mentioned last time, I am down to my last hundreds. To-date, I only have about P140 in my wallet and few coins and yet I am having an incredible week. I realize money isn't everything, one just needs to be creative. Last Tuesday, I went to an interview and only spent P40 for fare (back and forth). It was a first after a very long time since I seldom ride jeeps anymore especially since riding cabs is more convenient and more comfortable. And yet, the experience was worth it. It allowed me to be more mindful of a bigger world than me. That night, my colleagues from my previous work came to have dinner. They were the ones who brought dinner though. The next day, I just spent the first part of the day "productively" by going through and sending through my CV to all potential employers I would like to work for. Now, it is a matter of waiting for their call. In the afternoon, I decided to go to mass to make the rest of my time worthwhile. I also decided to walk to Church as I seldom go out anymore and hence, lack physical exercise. Walking was a treat for me because I was greeted by the beauty of the sun setting down. To my awe, I took a shot of the sunset. After the mass, I spent quality time at the Blessed Sacrament and was able to talk to Jesus again. These words remain in me after that conversation:Love is patient. Love is kind. Love rejoices in the truth. Rejoice, celebrate your truth, your beauty. Claim your truth. Love never fails. He also promised me that he'd take care of my financial concerns and that I need not worry about it, particularly the one that is due already this Friday.

Today, I decided that the grace I would ask God is to make each day magical for me. I realize then that I want to make each day different. To do something different each day. So today, I went out early, walked to the baking supplies store and then eventually go to the grocery to buy ingredients for my brownies. I want to try to bake brownies today. I was excited to start on this as I've been craving for a certain brownie taste since last week. After it was done, I was glad that the recipe I downloaded was the exact brownie taste I want. I was a bit disappointed though because it did not have the texture I want. I googled later on that I should have used chocolate instead of cocoa. Again, in the afternoon, I decided to hear mass. I start to love walking to Church. I spent a few minutes in the Blessed Sacrament and then went to hear mass. On this particular day, there weren't much mass goers who went compared yesterday. This must be the reason I noticed the people who were present, in particular the old couples. I was just inspired by the sight of the three old couple holding hands as they sang the "Our Father." Silently, I wished I could find someone I would grow old with. It was a beauty to behold that in the midst of the "temporariness" (if there is such a word) of this world, there are still those who decide to stick together through thick or thin, for better or for worse....

Oh and I almost forget, today, God showed that his promise is never empty. The problem I have with the money to fulfill my obligation tomorrow, he took care of that already. The amount I needed is exactly what he gave me. Praise be to God!

I'm down to my last hundred/s

I just paid my bills today. It has been two weeks since I resigned from my job. It wasn't really a difficult decision for me since I've been struggling to go to work every single day. No regrets. But now reality is slowly biting on me. I am down to my last hundred/s. So how can I survive the next few days with only P300 in my wallet? I am still looking for a job. I have a scheduled interview tomorrow. Gone were the days that I can take a cab to go to my interviews. This time, I have to be creative, I need to stretch my money! So I guess I have to learn to take the jeepneys again and walk! :) I am not yet panicking. No, because I am still expecting income from working part time with my previous employer (thank God for that opportunity). Although whatever I will earn here will not be enough to cover my monthly obligation, every single peso will still help augment my situation right now. So pasalamat na rin. Ayoko muna problemahin ang hindi pa problema :) Sabi ko nga, "bahala na si batman!" I'm keeping the faith that God knows my needs and he will provide.

I'm moving on

Mark this date: January 9, 2010. The day I finally decided to move on. No there is no bitterness, no it does not leave a bitter or even sour taste in my mouth. Today I choose happiness. Today I choose to be good to myself. Today I choose to not go against the flow. Today I am not fighting the current. Today, I am going where the flow naturally leads me. I now know what really is important to me: validation. The reason I struggled so much in the past months was I could not come to terms with my need for validation and my pursuit of that "great romance." I am struggling between what I need and what I want. I was hung up on finding the ONE, settling for someone I thought was the one. But common sense would prove that you would definitely know that the one is the ONE. Naturally, things should fall into place. Everything naturally flows and leads to the one. As one great eastern tradition believes, we should go with the flow and not against it. We struggle because we try to fight the natural flow. But if we go with it, flow with it, swim with it, in the end, we will be led to our destiny. To our ultimate destiny, to where God has intended us to be.

Today, I am free and flowing. :)