Will you allow me to love you again?

"Will you allow me to love you again?" That's what God asked me last weekend.  Actually, God has been loving me all these times but I was too busy, too hurt to notice.  All the while, I thought he owed me. All the while I thought he should make up to me for something he promised but failed to keep.  It was only when we had this serious talk after a long time that it hit me...God kept his promise.  God fulfilled his word.

I was so caught up looking at the closed door that I didn't realize God has opened another door.  He surprised me in silence.  He silently crept behind my back, subtly, just like a thief in the night.  It took a while for me to realize that the door is already open.  That the grace has already came through this other door.  All this time, I had it at the back of my head, as though keeping tab at God, that he owed me big time because of this one door.  But the cliche is true, when one door closes, another opens.

Through this other door, love came.  Through this other door, God taught me how to love.  Love in its purest.  Love in its truest.  Devoid of costs, of measure. Devoid of conditions, of timing, of control.  I am simply gripped by its power...a power that weakens my defenses yet strengthens my will.

"Will you allow me to love you again?"  The question sounds so simple but I know the consequence of being loved by God is not to simply feel happiness or joy, or even comfort.  To be beheld by God in love is to share in his way of loving...and what is this loving...that which will lay down one's life for a friend, for a beloved.  When love is stronger, more powerful, more meaningful than life itself.

Although the surrender pains me, breaks me, pierces straight through me, it also transforms me.  It changes me.  I begin to see that I am no longer after my own happiness.  I am now after someone else's joy.  It doesn't matter anymore if you are part of that happiness, or if you are the cause of that joy.  The other is more important than yourself.  The focus has switched from yourself to the other.  It is not forced.  You just love.  You just be. Be love.

"Will you allow me to love you again?"  It is a rhetoric question. God knows what my answer is.  But the beauty of this question is not that it begs an answer. Its beauty lies on the invitation.  God will never force anything on me, even his kind of love.  There is no mistaking, God loves me, loves us.  God loves us freely.  In spite of and despite of ourselves. And yet, to share in his kind of loving, God sees that an invitation is necessary. It is necessary because saying yes to this invitation entails responsibility and commitment.  And not everyone is ready. yet.

"Will you allow me to love you again?"



 

when the answer is right in front of you

Waiting is my most dreaded word.  Impatience, I guess, is my second name.  I would fail the marshmallow test, had I taken it when I was little.  I don't get impatient though on just anything but only on things that mean a lot to me, things that matter to me, things that give me joy and life, and they are not even just things; usually it is not something but someone.

Praying is a consequence of waiting.  When impatience sinks in, and one can't wait any longer, one prays.  The word is beg; one begs that the waiting be over.Soon. Now, if possible. One begs that the answer to one's prayer be heard.  One begs that the answer be given already. 

Countless times I have begged for an answer.  It's been so long that I have waited for the answer.  It made me think that maybe, just maybe, the answer is not coming; or that it is a no. Maybe I have to stop waiting. I have to start moving on. And so did I. Then it hit me! The answer is right in front of me all along!  The answer has been the answer all along.  The answer is the answer I begged, I prayed, I waited for.

Suddenly, I am humbled.  My God indeed has listened to my prayer.  Even before I begged for it, he has already given me the answer.  It just took me a while to recognize it, or if I had, it took me a while to accept that it is indeed what I asked for.  It may not be in the form I imagined the answer would come, but it is still the answer I need.  And the surprising thing about it is, the waiting is still not over.  The waiting is never-ending.  It pushes me to continue to hope, continue to live, continue to love. 

I guess waiting is inevitable for someone who loves.  Waiting is the fire that burns the heart to love more passionately, more deeply, more selflessly. As James Donelan, SJ in his article "The Sacrament of Waiting" puts it, "For if we never learn to wait, we will never learn to love someone other than ourselves."

Himig ng Mangingibig

Hindi ako karapat-dapat
sa kanya, Panginoon.
Hindi ko magawang isipin
siya'y ibibigay mo sakin.

Ngunit ang pangako mo,
ay hingin lang sa iyo,
anuman ang naisin,
ito'y iyong tutuparin.

Sapagka't ang ibig mo,
ay tanging kasiyahan ko,
mahirap man na tangapin,
Pag-ibig mo'y tapat sa akin.

Pabaon

Hindi kita iiwan.
Maghihintay ako sa'yo.
Gaano man katagal,
Ako'y maghihintay sa'yo.

Hahayaan kang tuklasin
ang nais ng puso mo.
Pababayaan kang tuklasin
ang kasiyahan ng puso mo.

Mahirap man sa akin
ang ipaubaya ka sa Kanya,
wala ring magagawa
kundi ang magtiwala---

na ang pag-ibig mo
at pag-ibig ko,
balang araw, magtatagpo

Almost 6 years after

 

 

I wrote this on my Journal last August 11,2004. It was a Wednesday: I was only 26 then. He was 31.  Now, 6 years later, I am about to turn 33, and he, 40.

Our story is not the typical ex-lovers who after years of being estranged, were reunited back together.  Ours was different because in the first place, we never really missed out on each other's lives. Even after our break up that year, we still managed not to be estranged with each other at all.  We kept that special relationship intact all these years. We did not break the communication. We remained good friends.  For six years we kept tabs on each other's personal lives, personal affairs.  I knew who and when he was dating, he knew who I was with and whom I was fond of. We were open to each other that we still do care for each other, that there is still that special fondness but we never tried anymore to give each other chance. Both of us knew we had to move on, to find our happiness with another person.  And we were ok with it for the past 6 years.

In the last two years, we were both in our respective serious relationships.  I was about to settle down with someone, he was about to propose to his girlfriend.  We were both happy for each other.  But by some twist of fate, my boyfriend and I broke up, and I was alone.  He was there to console me and give me some words of consolation.  And I appreciated that about him.  I envied him because it would seem he has already found the person he would spend the rest of his life with (at that time he was very much in love with his girlfriend and he confided that he had plans of proposing to her November 2009.)  I can only be happy for him.

In the months that would follow my break-up, I unexpectedly fell for someone.  He knew about it and he suggested ways on how to catch that person's attention.  We were just happy comparing notes.  Catching up on each other's lives and wishing each other success in our respective personal lives.  Then December came, in passing I asked if he has already proposed to his girlfriend and  he said that they have already broken up. That was the end of it.  I couldn't exactly describe how I felt when I learned about it.  I guess I was half-glad and half-confused to know it.  I was too scared to probe on what I truly feel because at that time I still have to settle my feelings for another person.  But I was just glad that he was single again.  And I am too.  This time, after 6 years, we are both available.  I am just consoled with this fact.  But that's just about it.  I have no intention  to explore a second chance with him...but I guess opportunity has a way of presenting itself.  Last June, opportunity knocked on our doors.  One simple question led to an unexpected response.  What I thought before as a lost cause, a long shot possibility, proved to be another shot on fulfilling a long hoped-for dream, another chance on love.

The story is not yet over.  It might not end the way I hope it would. But the fact is, fate gave us a second chance; and this is enough for me to continue to hope.  I am posting this journal because I want to remember.  I want to be reminded of that day: hope has no time limit, it knows no bounds.  So I continue to hope from this day forward that one day, in God's time and with God's will, he will fulfill my desire.

The last line of this journal was, "My prayers and hope is still, that one day, I'd find Tony at the end of this journey."  And I can't help but smile because if I think about it, he was with me in my journey all along. He never really left my side or abandoned me.  He was here all this time. I just hope he sticks around until the end.

A prayer answered

 Almost 2 years ago, I wrote this note to myself. Never published it because I thought and felt it very personal for me.  But now I am posting it because I just want to let the whole world know that God has answered my prayer, that is the last line of this note.

I almost forgot about the person I was referring to here, maybe because as the days went by, my connection to this person proved to be just maybe a mere infatuation.  In the end, the strong feelings subsided and gradually I began to just regard him as a simple friend.  I was not anymore wishing that this friendship be deepened. As months passed by, I am just happy that I have overcome my uneasiness around him.

It is just surprising that lately, this person has done little things for me.  We are not that close, and that is why I am beginning to wonder what is the meaning of all these? I couldn't help then to reconsider him again. I couldn't contain my utter gratefulness to God for somehow, still answering my simple wish before, for me to become an important part of this person's life.  I said before even if things were different, I would still not wish for him because I regard him as someone unreachable for me, someone who I just want to put high on a pedestal, I have that inner sense that I am not worthy of him. And yet these past few weeks, and months, this person has tried to reach out to me.  This person has been my saving glory, my knight in shining armour. At a time when I am down and just feeling low, this person will somehow make me feel special, make me feel worthy. It would seem that he always does things at the right time.  He always takes me by surprise! And even this realization now is a great surprise for me.  And because of this, I thank him. and I thank God...He is indeed a God of surprises.

=================================================================

be still my heart part 1, May 16,2008
Last night, for some reason (actually I know the reason but I can't disclose it now), I just couldn't fall asleep.  I was restless all night and this lasted until around 1:30 in the morning. I only prayed "be still my heart."  It seemed that I could not contain my emotions.  I'd like to see him, hear from him.  Am i falling? I am not sure. And I don't want to pursue even.  Not because it is impossible because nothing is impossible with God but even if things were different I know I could never wish for him.  I am just happy where he is now.  I just pray that I'd become an important part of his life. 

maghihintay ako

"Maghihintay ako."
Iyan ang pangako ng puso ko sa puso mo.

Gaano man katagal
Ilang taon man ang magdaan
Basta, pagdating mo,
Asahan mo akong sasalubong sa'yo.

Wala ng agam-agam
Buo na ang pasiya ko---
"Maghihintay ako sa iyo."