Mark this date: January 9, 2010. The day I finally decided to move on. No there is no bitterness, no it does not leave a bitter or even sour taste in my mouth. Today I choose happiness. Today I choose to be good to myself. Today I choose to not go against the flow. Today I am not fighting the current. Today, I am going where the flow naturally leads me. I now know what really is important to me: validation. The reason I struggled so much in the past months was I could not come to terms with my need for validation and my pursuit of that "great romance." I am struggling between what I need and what I want. I was hung up on finding the ONE, settling for someone I thought was the one. But common sense would prove that you would definitely know that the one is the ONE. Naturally, things should fall into place. Everything naturally flows and leads to the one. As one great eastern tradition believes, we should go with the flow and not against it. We struggle because we try to fight the natural flow. But if we go with it, flow with it, swim with it, in the end, we will be led to our destiny. To our ultimate destiny, to where God has intended us to be.
Today, I am free and flowing. :)
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Sunday, November 29, 2009
just the truth
As the months pass on, all the more that I long for the truth to reveal itself. I guess it is because I firmly believe in the words, "the truth shall set you free." The moment I became true to how I feel, I haven't stopped yearning to feel totally free. Free to just be me, free to love, free to express this. Paradoxically though, this didn't happen. Instead of being liberated from my own reservations, I felt constricted and limited. I guess because I expected truth as well to the truth I revealed. I'd rather get hurt in the process of knowing the truth than being left in the dark. I am through with assumptions. I've been there, and it's a place I do not want to get myself in again. But the sad fact is, you can't force the truth from someone. Truth is willed. Truth is out of the graciousness of the person to reveal one's self, one's innermost thoughts, one's deepest desires and longings. I guess it takes trust to entrust a person of the truth. I trusted that he can handle the truth. And I hoped that he could trust me that I could handle the truth as well. But it's taking time. I do not even know if it would come to that. Still I hope. Still I hold on to the promise that the truth I let out will eventually set me free.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Nakakamiss
Nakakamiss.
Nakakamiss ang panahong andiyan ka pa.
Mga sandaling pareho pa tayong masaya.
Malaya.
Malayang magpahiwatig ng pagpapahalaga.
Walang pangingiming sabihin anumang nadarama.
Walang takot.Walang pangamba.Walang malisya.
Nakakamiss.
Nakakamiss talaga.
Sapagkat ngayon, may nabago na.
Ang ihip ng hangi'y tuluyang nag-iba.
Ang damdami'y dating malaya,
ngayo'y sukat na.
Maingat sa bawa't bitaw ng salita.
Pati na rin sa mga kilos na ipapakita.
Maraming nagbago.
Sa akin. Sa iyo.
Nakakamiss. Nakakahinayang.
Wala na 'yung dating tayo.
Nakakamiss ang panahong andiyan ka pa.
Mga sandaling pareho pa tayong masaya.
Malaya.
Malayang magpahiwatig ng pagpapahalaga.
Walang pangingiming sabihin anumang nadarama.
Walang takot.Walang pangamba.Walang malisya.
Nakakamiss.
Nakakamiss talaga.
Sapagkat ngayon, may nabago na.
Ang ihip ng hangi'y tuluyang nag-iba.
Ang damdami'y dating malaya,
ngayo'y sukat na.
Maingat sa bawa't bitaw ng salita.
Pati na rin sa mga kilos na ipapakita.
Maraming nagbago.
Sa akin. Sa iyo.
Nakakamiss. Nakakahinayang.
Wala na 'yung dating tayo.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Patient Trust
A prayer by Piere Teilhard de Chardin, SJ.
Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stages of instability— and that it may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you. your ideas mature gradually—
let them grow, let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
Don’t try to force them on, as though you could be today what time
(that is to say, grace and circumstances acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new spirit gradually forming within you will be.
Give Our Lord the benefit of believing that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.
Below then is the account of my progress as it develops in the course of time --- from the time I decided to resign from corporate work to the time I decided to go back.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Taxi Tales 2
I am always fascinated with the tales of taxi drivers. The subject varies: from politics, economy, weather, religion to more personal stories of love, family, dreams, and struggles. I learned some of the important lessons in life from them. This is my tribute to them. To put a voice to their stories, usually told inside their taxi.
Modesty and Respect
I just came from the bookfair when I hailed Manong Taxi. He said he had an interesting discussion with his previous customer, who happened to be a buddhist. So I just remarked that it was interesting and it's good if we also know what their beliefs are about, and that it is good if we can dialogue with them. So he asked me if I were I catholic, so I said yes. Then I asked why, he said he is an iglesia...and that started our interesting talk inside his taxi.
I would say that it helped me that I was fresh from my compre so more or less I am familiar with bible passages, with the teachings of the church, and especially the doctrine about the Trinity. I'd say that manong was quite cautious about presenting his beliefs without offending me. He does not consider himself a fanatic. He also said that he was a catholic before and was brought up (by parents and school) catholic.
The way manong asked me or at least presented his point to me was subtle. He first asked me about my beliefs on certain things and later on would check if I am consistent with what I have previously said. I was also very careful about the words that I used and the way I explained things to him. He asked me if I believe that there are certain number of people destined to damnation (cf. double predestination of Gotteschalk) as there are certain number of people destined to salvation (cf. early teachings of St. Augustine). He also presented what's wrong about "worshipping" images and idols, as well as asked me what I know about the Trinity.
I tried my best to explain what I know about these things based on what I have learned and also held in belief. I tried not to be technical about my explanations and quote passages in the scriptures to support my beliefs. It was difficult though to get his attention when I started explaining doctrines which he thinks were not explicitly found in the bible, like the term trinity, the term mystery, etc. I said the doctrine of the Trinity is implicitly found in the bible and that it was Jesus who revealed the trinity to us. We should not then just terminate on the term itself but look beyond whom it is pointing to, and that is the God in three persons. The moment I mentioned persons, I need then to explain what persons are as understood by the early fathers.
Anyway, the good thing with manong is that he allowed me to express what I know and my convictions. In the end though, he only left me with the parable of the samaritan woman, when Jesus told the samaritan woman that though they are from the lineage of Jacob, they still do not know who God is. His point was, even if we have faith, it doesn't mean that we know God better than others. That maybe what we know about God is not the truth about God.
When I alight his cab, we were still in good terms. We both knew that it was a healthy discussion. We both expressed earlier in our conversation that we are not there to argue and convince each other but to dialogue. After our talk, my initial feelings were, did I defend my faith well? Should I have explained our faith clearer to him? Is there truth in what he said that maybe I still do not really know God?
I answered his initial question about believing if there is damnation by saying that honestly, I am uncomfortable to answer it. It may be because I believe that God is merciful that He would do everything to make sure that I am saved. I may just be optimistic about my salvation. But I told him further that this does not mean that I do not try to do good. I said, maybe right now, my motivation for doing good and avoiding the bad is not out of fear of damnation but out of love. I try to do good out of my love for Christ, because I want to follow him, because I have felt his unconditional love for me. I admitted though that before I was hang up on my sins that I do things out of guilt or because I don't want to be punished.Now I believe that my focus is on Christ and not on the prize or the punishment.
So to go back to the three questions I asked myself after getting off his taxi, I guess my optimism tells me that if I were wrong about my beliefs, God, in his faithfulness will bring me to the fullness of truth. I still hold that my trust is in God who neither deceives or can be deceived.
Throughout the duration of our conversation, only one passage kept ringing in my head: "Always be ready to make a defense to anyone who asks for the reasons for the hope that is in you, and make it with modesty and respect." I would say that manong taxi also did the same. So what have I learned from this experience, how has this helped me increase my faith, hope and love? That God's love for me has really transformed me. I am not the old sensitive, defensive person anymore who easily gets upset when my faith is being challenged. I know God's love has changed me already to become more optimistic not only about my own salvation but also of others. Moreso, my conviction that indeed God will lure (thanks Ian for the term) us in the end to choose His way is stronger than ever.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
A Man's Bestfriend
I am so excited. Eversince I talked to my ex-officemate about her dog which will give birth this September, I could not stop thinking and wishing that it will be December already.
Originally, I plan to get the dog for my niece MJ for her birthday, but as I get to know the dog, I am slowly considering to just share him/her with MJ. This is the first time I got so excited about the idea of having my own dog. Or taking care of a dog. In the past, we had house dogs, but I seldom take care of them personally. But this time, it is different, I really can't wait. Last night, I couldn't even sleep and I just spent the night imagining how I would take care of him/her.
I guess this is God's answer to my prayer before that He renews my life, that he revitalizes it. Slowly, I feel like my life is being given a new lease. I will start in my new job in October, and hopefully have my own golden retriever by December.
Here is the photo of the mommy of the golden retriever I will get.
Here are some interesting information about golden retriever:
- They possess a friendly, eager-to-please demeanor,
- The temperament of the Golden Retriever is a hallmark of the breed and is described in the standard as "kindly, friendly and confident"
- They are not "one man dogs" and are generally equally amiable with both strangers and those familiar to them.
- The typical Golden Retriever is calm, naturally intelligent and biddable, with an exceptional eagerness to please.
- Golden Retrievers are also noted for their intelligence.
- These dogs are also renowned for their patience with children.
- Golden Retrievers are compatible with children and adults and are good with other dogs, cats and most livestock.
- Golden Retrievers are particularly valued for their high level of sociability towards people, calmness, and willingness to learn.
- They are friendly and tend to learn tricks easily.
- They are also known to become excellent surrogate mothers to different species. Kittens and even tiger cubs from zoos are well taken care of by golden retrievers.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Taxi Tales
I am always fascinated with the tales of taxi drivers. The subject varies: from politics, economy, weather, religion to more personal stories of love, family, dreams, and struggles. I learned some of the important lessons in life from them. This is my tribute to them. To put a voice to their stories, usually told inside their taxi.
Basta (Taxi) driver, sweet lover
One rainy afternoon, after my class in La Salle, I hailed this Kia taxi cab (I have no choice that time as it was difficult to find an empty cab).
Pagkasakay ko pa lang, binati na ako ni Manong Taxi ng napakasarap na tawa. Sa loob-loob ko, “patay may topak pa ata etong nasakyan ko.”
Umupo ako at hindi pa kami masyado nakakalayo, biglang nagsalita si Manong, “Masaya ako ngayon, ma’am kasi anniversary naming ng asawa ko at saka birthday niya!” At bigla na naman siyang tumawa na parang excited at kinikilig. “Talaga po?” tanong ko sa kanya, “…ilang taon na po kayong dalawa?” “30 years na kami ngayon,” sagot niya. “Kaya nga uuwi po ako ng maaga para ilabas siya.” Ang sweet naman nitong si Manong. Doon nagsimula ang kwento ni Manong.
Sa totoo lang, ang dami niyang kwento. Naikwento nya sa akin na may tatlo na silang anak at lahat ay may trabaho na. May asawa na rin iyong dalawang anak niya at may apo na rin siya.
Ipinagmamalaki niya na naitaguyod niya ang lahat ng anak niya sa pagmamaneho. Sabi niya, “Edukasyon lang ang maaari kong ipamana sa mga anak ko. Sabi ko sa kanila, nasa inyo kung babalewalain nyo ang pag-aaral nyo. Kung ayaw ninyong matulad sa akin, mag-aral kayong mabuti para magkaroon kayo ng mas magandang trabaho. Sa awa ng Diyos, nakapagtapos sila lahat at saka may mga trabaho na sila.”
Natuwa rin ako nung sinabi ni Manong na hanggang ngayon lumalabas pa rin silang mag-anak pag araw ng Linggo. Madalas daw magsisimba muna silang mag-anak tapos magpupunta ng mall para magpahangin, tapos kakain sa labas saka uuwi sa bahay. Hindi ko magawang hindi mainggit kasi ngayon pag araw ng Linggo halos kanya-kanya na kami sa bahay. Siguro dala na rin nang wala na ang daddy ko, may kanya-kanya ng pamilya ang mga kapatid ko at si mommy madalas nagseserve sa simbahan pag Linggo. Hindi ko naitago iyon sa kanya. Sabi nya sa akin sinusubukan nilang gawin iyon tuwing Linggo kasi iyon lang daw ang tanging oras na magkakasama silang lahat. Alam daw ng mga anak niya na importante na tuwing araw ng Linggo eh magkakasama sila.
Muli, napatawa si Manong Taxi. “Ma’am, saan po kaya magandang dalhin si misis mamaya? Naisip ko diyan sa Boulevard. Marami naman sigurong pwedeng kainan diyan ano po? Siguro tama na iyong P500 sa aming dalawa.” Di ko maikubli ang kilig na nadarama, “ang sweet naman talaga ni manong” isip ko.
“Kayo lang po ba dalawa? Hindi nyo po isasama ang mga anak ninyo?” “Naghanda nga sila sa bahay ngayon eh,” sagot niya. “Hindi nila alam na hindi kami kakain dun. Kami lang ni misis ang nag-usap. Hindi nila alam na hindi sila kasama mamaya.” Natawa siya ulit. “Ngayong gabi, kami lang ni misis, minsan isang taon lang naman kami lumabas na dalawa. Araw naman naming ngayon.” Awwww…sweet.
At parang hindi pa sapat iyon, buong pagmamalaki niyang sinabi sa akin na binilhan niya ang asawa niya ng regalo para sa ika-30 nilang anibersaryo: “Nakabili na rin nga ako ng silver na singsing para sa misis ko. Para naman may maibigay ako sa kanya ngayon. Pinag-ipunan ko nga iyon eh. P345 pesos ang bili ko dun.” Pagkabanggit niya nito, hindi ko na talaga napigilan sabihin sa kanya na ang swerte ng misis niya sa kanya at dasal ko na sana makatagpo rin ako ng lalaking tulad niya. Napangiti lang si Manong.
Sa tuwa ko kay Manong, dinagdagan ko ang bayad ko. Sabi ko, pandagdag niya sa kain nila ni misis. Hindi ko na inisip kong binobola lang ako ni Manong sa kwento niya. Kung alam lang niya, mas madami akong natutunan sa mga kinuwento niya sa akin. Ang pakiramdam ko para akong ibang tao pagkababa ko ng taxi niya.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
